Laundry whirs in the dryer. Mom rests. The house is quiet after a full day of family visits, of mom's gentle requests for gingerale, of getting her up and down from the bed, and finally--on her request--out for a stroll in the wheelchair in the sunshine around the block.
Hospice also made their first call--a gentleman named Jim. Here's my snapshot: a discussion about milligram vs millilitres of pain meds, the incessant beeping of the automatic med dispensing machine, Jim talking loudly on his cell phone beside my mom's bed because he couldn't figure out the med dispenser--I gave her ear plugs--insurance, funeral homes, mom wanting to sign her signature on the forms: small, long, slow, impossible to read except for her classy "D" for "Diane".
Fortunately, that visit came to a close. And after a long nap, mom perked up late in the afternoon. Her speech was a little clearer, and her eyes are bright--she's soaking up the love around her.
This is what she wanted, this is how she wanted to go. At home. With family. She told me numerous times how much she'd appreciated the way her father had passed just a few years back...he'd fought against the paralysis of his stroke, then accepted where he was and absorbed the life around him to help ease his way out of his own.
I don't know where mom is in the timeline. Don't really know how to do this whole preparing for death thing. Feels like such a gift in some ways...as though mom is breaking the trail and testing the waters for us as she always has. Guess someone has to go first. You just don't want them to go quite this way or quite this soon. Had lots of things I wanted her to be here for. Know she's come to terms with not having them; it's more my deal now than hers.
And I don't know how to watch a man, my father, grieve for the fading of his wife, my mother, who's been his partner since they were college students. You just can't fix it.
He is doing right by her every step of the way.
Valarie
Traffic Cones and Cardboard Box Cake
2 months ago
8 comments:
Greetings from Japan, my friend. Various deities have heard my prayers for you here -- the latest an enormous statue of Kozean, the goddess of compassion. Her head peeks out above hills and buildings long before you get to her. Underneath, a shrine with lots of offerings, including the precious musk melon. I wish you all the delights your heart can hold. I've been so blessed to have you as a confidant, teacher, and occasional impish muse...
Carry on, dear one.
I'm glad you're home, surrounded by people you love, who love you, too. Sending along my best wishes and hopes, and hugs and love.
I am so glad that Diane was able to go out and soak up some sunshine and see the beautiful blooms. But even all that is not as wonderful love that your family has surrounded her with. You are all her angels and I commend your loyalty and unfailing devotion. I will continue to hold you in my good thoughts and prayers.
Please tell Diane how much I have always appreciated her laughter and friendship. It meant more to me than she could ever know.
Hey, you guys are really perky....leaving postings at 1 and 4 AM!!! Wow!!!
Just checking in to see how things are going. Continue to give my love to Di...we have known each other for 45 years...of which we have actually seen each other little. But every visit is treasured, mulled over and has meant much to me.
It has been a privilege to accompany you all on your quest...to laugh, to hope, to cry with you.
Give Di my love always and I am with her sending her good vibes from down South, always,
Donna
Bless you, Valarie, for this beautiful testament to your beloved mother's journey... thank you so very much for your example of courage and clarity.
Please tell your mom that we are sending the "chi" during Qigong... and lots of love.
Lynn
Well...I can't remember if perky was the best way to describe it, but we must have been to be that articulate so late. Probably also sitting here in the living room watching her rest when it's so quiet outside and so quiet here in the house--can't help thinking and reflecting and recalling how the day went and what she did and how each of us is moving through this. The daytime noises and pleasant talk are joyful and vigorous--but during the night we can relax and look inside.
Thank all of you so much for your posts....we hold up the computer and read them to her and she smiles and appreciates your kindnesses.
-nate
I am so glad Diane is home and surrounded by all of you. She told me last September that you guys gathered around her like wagons in a circle, ready for the fight. She is blessed with such a loving family.
Diane you know we will continue always to see you at the Silver Falls retreat. That special circle of friends will never be broken. So, whatever happens, we will see you in October.
NTM :-)
Thank you for these lovely posts that are a testament to one of the loveliest people I have ever have the honor to know. I am so glad Diane is home where she wants to be, surrounded by the people most important in her life.
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